


Quiet

by DarlingAry



Series: Songs for a Dead Acorn [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Matilda - Freeform, Tree Bros, but not really tree bros, major trigger warnings, subtle tree bros, the song is from Matilda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 22:46:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12309453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarlingAry/pseuds/DarlingAry
Summary: [QuietLike silence, but not really silent.Just that still sort of quiet.Like the sound of a page being turned in a book.Or a pause in a walk in the woods.]He held tightly onto the trunk, balancing on a branch as he felt the warmth of the sun around him. Everything was quiet in that moment, his thoughts weren’t deafening and he was alone in the most comfortable sort of way.





	Quiet

_ Have you ever wondered, well I have. _

_ About how when I say, say red, for example. _

_ There's no way of knowing if red _

_ Means the same thing in your head _

_ As red means in my head. When someone says red _

  
  


He was different than his friends, there was no denying it. He wasn’t talented like Zoe, witty like Jared, smart as Alana, or deep as Connor. He wasn’t at their level and sometimes he wondered if they were even wired the same if he was the same species as the flawless people who associated with him. 

 

He was technically their friend, but somehow he always felt like he was the outer edge of every inside joke, like the tag along friend who just went through the motions. After all, they didn’t know him. They thought they did; they knew the basics. They knew that he lived with his mom only, his dad had left. They knew that he couldn’t do social situations very well and was on medication to keep his anxiety at bay. They knew he would think a lot, his mind venturing too far too fast. 

 

They thought they knew everything about Evan. They didn’t know him or how his mind worked. So he was different, so different. He was the puzzle piece that didn’t quite fit but looked like it might. Sometimes, he would get upset, his thoughts bathed in red, but they didn’t see red. They saw blues and purples, shades of okay that he couldn’t. 

 

_ And how if we are traveling at, almost the speed of light _

_ And we're holding a light _

_ That light would still travel away from us _

_ At the full speed of light, which seems right in a way _

 

Evan had come up with an example of how this all worked. He was stagnant, standing in place and holding a flashlight. The light moved forward, never stopping and people moved with it, but he stayed still. He never could move as fast or adjust as fast as the rest of the world, as his friends. It made sense, in an odd way.

 

The world moved too fast. Evan’s eyes could barely catch the shape of the trees as the car hurled its way across the dirt road, coming to a stop at the ranger's station. His mom wished him a good day and told him she loved him, before driving off, already late to work. 

 

Evan went through the motions of his every day, Eventually ending up walking down a long path, but it was like the sun was calling him off of that safe trail, inviting him to find warmth and safety in the endless rows of trees. 

 

As he stepped deeper into the forest, the world around him was rushing, moving fast than him, the wind moving around him as it tempted him, begging him to run as his legs could barely move. Then it felt right and on their own accord, his legs started to go. 

 

_ But I wonder if inside my head _

_ I'm not just a bit different from some of my friends _

_ These answers come into my mind unbidden _

_ These stories delivered to me fully written _

 

As he ran, he felt a smile grow on his face as the cold air bit at his arms, legs, and face. The forest floor was cold as he weaved through trees, not sure where he was going, but the sun called, begged for him to find a way to warmth, good warmth, the kind of warmth that wasn’t angry or alone. He didn’t know where this was all coming from, but he felt amazing, better than he had in years.

 

Alone in the forest, he wasn’t that different from the trees. He too was isolated from the view of people. There were rows of trees, all seemingly the same kind, and yet each had branches which grew different, and to a different height, all growing to reach the sun. Evan felt that. He felt like he was drowning in a sea of irrelevance,  not extraordinary enough to be noticed, but not similar enough to fit it. He just wanted to be warm.

 

_ And I'm sorry, I'm not quite explaining it right. _

_ But this noise becomes anger and the anger is light _

_ And its burning inside me would usually fade. _

_ But it isn't today! _

_ And the heat and the shouting. _

_ And my heart is pounding. _

_ And my eyes are burning _

_ And suddenly everything, everything is... _

 

Evan felt his heart racing with the faster he ran, the speed was more than he had before. The forest around him passed in a blur and he didn’t know where he was going, he just knew he was running and that the end of his run wasn’t in sight. His heart pounded, his legs threatened to give way. 

 

He could feel emotions he hadn’t felt in a long time as he ran, isolated among the tall trees without a soul to worry or even notice that he was missing. He could feel anger, the hurt, rise in his chest, burning so hot that it threatened to burn him from the inside out. His eyes burned, tears streaming from his eyes like light through a window. His heart wouldn’t stop pounding, thudding in his chest, threatening to burst out. 

 

He ran until he ran full force into a tree, the pain spreading through his side, knowing him onto his back as he laid there for a moment before sitting up and examining the tree. It was tall, but he could see the top, he could see the clouds and the sky, but he could not feel the sun. The long branches of the tree shielding him from its rays and all he could think was how nice that sun must feel. 

 

So, Evan started to climb the tall branches of the tree, his arms burning, not used to the physical toll the height required. His legs were already sore, burning as he climbed and climbed and climbed, desperate to feel something warm and good that wasn’t anger or self-loathing. He wanted to feel the bravery it required to reach the sun, to be tall like that tree. 

 

_ Quiet _

_ Like silence, but not really silent. _

_ Just that still sort of quiet. _

_ Like the sound of a page being turned in a book. _

_ Or a pause in a walk in the woods. _

  
  


He held tightly onto the trunk, balancing on a branch as he felt the warmth of the sun around him. Everything was quiet in that moment, his thoughts weren’t deafening and he was alone in the most comfortable sort of way. 

Around him, there were the soft sounds of forest life. He could hear the gentle hum of insects that flew through the trees, the light whistle of wind as it passed through the leaves, making them nudge against each other; he could hear the distant trickle of a stream and the call of birds below him in nearby trees. Yet, all of that was white noise, almost a background track to the silence of his mind as he allowed himself to feel.

 

“Sun,” he whispered to himself, almost as if afraid his voice might break the quiet. “Sun, I feel you.” He was the best kind of warm and his voice broke as he spoke, tears falling down his face without even noticing because, for the first time in a long time, he felt alive and unafraid. He wasn’t worried about the rest of the world for once. 

 

_ Quiet _

_ Like silence, but not really silent. _

_ Just that nice kind of quiet. _

_ Like the sound when you lie upside down in your bed. _

_ Just the sound of your heart in your head _ .

 

The soft stirring of the forest below felt like a lullaby as he closed his eyes, resting his head against the tree. The air was thinner up so high. He could feel an odd sort of light in his head, but he paid no mind to his. His skin got goosebumps, like the sun itself had run a finger along Evan’s arms, leaving him feeling warm and safe. 

 

_ And though the people around me. _

_ Their mouths are still moving. _

_ The words they are forming, _

_ Cannot reach me anymore! _

  
  


Still, he couldn’t escape his own mind for long, his anxiety having a weird way of sneaking up on him- though this was different. It wasn’t the same nervousness he got around people, no, this was something deeper, rooted in the pit of his heart and he could feel it spread through his veins. 

 

That’s when he could see them in his mind’s eye, but he couldn’t quite hear the words they said. He could see Zoe, perfect and beautiful, one of the only people who had ever treated him kind and the friend he didn’t deserve but couldn’t seem to lose. He could see Jared, the sarcastic bit of wit that could read his soul like a book and tear him apart, yet in the same breath be there was he had nowhere else to go. He could see Alana, ever so smart and outgoing, the voice of reasoning in his friend group and a strong shoulder to offer solid, rational advice. Then he saw Connor, the shell of a person who seemed like the only one with the sixth sense to see the ghosts followed Evan around. When he looked at Evan, it was like he could see everything, the anxiety, the self-hate, the need to be wanted. He could see it, but never said anything, just was quietly there. 

 

He thought through all his friends, the friends who he might be missing texts from right now. No, they wouldn’t text or call. They had lives that went beyond being friends with him and they would have lives after they realized they shouldn’t be. Whatever words they were saying in his head, nasty pieces of fiction that did not fit their character, but was rather a figment of Evan’s mind, was muted. It was like the rest of the world spoke too softly for him to hear from up so high. 

 

_ And it is quiet. _

_ And I am warm. _

_ Like I've sailed. _

_ Into the eye of the storm. _

 

Evan took a deep breath. Maybe someone would find him and he would be okay. He looked up at the sky, feeling like he was in the eye of the storm and everything would be alright. It wouldn’t be tomorrow when they found him on the forest floor and he was rushed to the hospital, or the next day when there was nothing the doctors could do, or the day after that when Zoe, Alana, Jared, and Connor would be told that their friend didn’t make it. 

 

It wouldn’t be okay when Zoe felt so sick, that she fell to her knees, unable to stand as she wondered how she’d missed that one of her closest friends was going through something like that. It wouldn’t be okay was Alana realized how easy it was for Evan’s issues to fade into the background, and how, by the time summer was over, no one would care about the loss of someone who was so good. It wouldn’t be okay when Jared’s walls were broken down because now it was his close friend and people were trying to benefit off of it. It wouldn’t be okay when Connor broke his hand on a headstone, trying to wake up from whatever nightmare he was living. It wouldn’t be okay when Heidi, who was destroyed with grief, found Connor asleep on Evan’s fresh grave in the wee hours of the morning and fell to her knees, holding Connor as the two of them tried to fathom how someone so good was now gone.  

 

No, it wouldn’t be okay then, but for now, there was just Evan. He was warm and the sun smiled on him, as if nodding its head, telling him everything was okay. Evan stared up at the sky and let go of the tree, deciding maybe it wasn’t so bad to see sky for forever. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys like it


End file.
